I’m officially discharged from camhs!!!! 

Update post: 
Three appointments this coming week - 
- Monday, saying goodbye to my camhs psychiatrist
- Tuesday, last session with my camhs psychologist
- Thursday, home visit with my new care coordinator and CPN

Last week had my last appointment with my camhs social worker / ex-therapist. It was nice to part on good terms. We just chatted and caught up on stuff really because I hadn’t seen her for ages. She was the first person I ever saw at camhs so it’s weird knowing I won’t see her again. Seeing her that last time helped kind of heal some of the abandonment I felt when she seemed to just drop my case a while back. So yeah, it was good. Hugged goodbye. 

I’ve started journalling, been going for over a week which is a new record for me haha. Finally have somewhere to put all of the scraps of paper I insist upon keeping. 

I have home study period 5 every friday, and I leave at the start of lunch, so instead of just the one hour off I get nearly two B-)

Ughhhhh I feel crap
Mam had a massive go at me today over how tired I always am and said some really hurtful stuff and ugh
She came and apologised a lot later, she says she didn’t mean any of it and all that, and I guess I should feel better now
But I can’t get those things she said out of my head and I just feel so demoralised I just want to curl up into a ball and never move again

I forgot to say in my post about my last camhs appointment, but while I think of it I’d better make a note here so that I remember. 
In the next session, my last one with my current psychologist, I’m gonna have to tell her one of my obsessive thoughts, the ones I’ve never been able to tell anyone. Now I’ve typed it out it sounds kind of bad considering it’s the last session, like with my last psychologist she made sure we didn’t do anything big in the last session at the risk of leaving me vulnerable without support, but it’s what my current one’s asked me to do, so I’m going to try. 
I’ve had a think about it and I figure I can probably tell her the ones relating to myself. I’d generally class those differently in my head, but I think they come under the ‘obsessive’ umbrella. I’m less scared of the reaction to things about hurting myself and stuff - it’s more normal I guess, and those kinds of things don’t hurt anyone else, (not accounting for upsetting them). Besides, hurting myself is one of the main reasons I was referred, so it’s nothing new to them particularly, just a new context, new format. So it’s less scary. It shouldn’t change their whole perception of me, which is probably one of the things I’m most scared of, I guess. 

Today could’ve been worse I guess haha. 
We were given three hours of being told the new rules of our ~*brand new reformed sixth form*~ and stuff. Three. Hours. And we were forced to write letters to our future selves to open on results day next year, in which I couldn’t swear in case they read them, which is very restrictive, given the subject matter. 
I am now the only person left taking English Language, everyone else has either left or dropped the subject, so that’s fucking awful. I have a teacher this year who I’ve never been taught by before, and what’s more he’s male, and now I’m gonna have to have one-to-one sessions with him. Fuuuuck. 
Oh and I wore my gorgeous new high heels which I love, but I forgot I have to walk much further now than I used to because of mom’s new work hours, so by the time I even got through the gates I already had multiple large painful blisters and sores. When I walked home, (this is gross sorry), one of the blisters popped so my tights were soaked and the entire thick layer of skin that had been the blister came off completely, so now I just have a big red sore. And the sides of the shoes chafed and now I have a number of cuts on my ankles as well. Oh the sacrifices I make for my fashion. 
And these are the shoes I plan on wearing to Comic Con with my Homura Akemi cosplay………… 

Lmfao fuck I’m not even back at school and I’m already swamped with work because today I checked my school email and discovered I had a fuck tonne more work to do over the holiday than I thought!!!! :))))
God I’m an idiot. 
I’ve spent all day on one piece of art I needed to do, an hour on an essay, and there’s still more of course. 
But the main fucking problem is that another piece of art homework listed, I’ve already done, spent hours on it, and I can’t find it!! anywhere!!!!!! I could honestly cry oh my god
And because of all the work I’ve been doing today I haven’t even had time to shower so now I feel filthy and I’m gonna have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, my first day back, to shower. 
Fuck everything lmao

Yesterday I found out that everything for my transition to adult services has been prepared and they’re ready to accept me! 
I’ve chosen to have one more meeting with my current psychologist; I could have had yesterday’s session as the last one but since I’d only just found out it all seemed a bit abrupt and sudden. 
I don’t know if my social worker/ex therapist will want a last meeting with me before I’m discharged from camhs. I’ve got mixed feelings about that. I hardly see her and she basically abandoned me anyway, and she never particularly helped. It’s just if she does see me, it’l like ‘what’s the point, you were crap and you don’t care anyway’, but if she doesn’t, it’s like ‘you were the first person ever to see me about mental health all those years ago, you’re supposed to care, yet you can just drop me like that, what the fuck?’ ksdfklfdj I don’t know. 
I really hope I get another appointment with my psychiatrist. I found her difficult to get along with at first, but I really got used to her over time and now I love her to bits. She’s genuinely lovely. I’m gonna miss her. 

Are you going back to sixth form?? I know you'll do amazing in whatever you do so good luck!!! :D x
Anonymous

Yeah, going back for another year of this, I must really be a masochist

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Gonna finish my A-levels! I mean unless I really can’t for whatever reason. 
Thanks for the kind words haha, I hope you’re right! x

You're an amazing person, you're beautiful and so unbelievably talented. Take care of yourself. You're awesome :3.
Anonymous

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Thank you chickadee, that’s really really kind of you and I’m sure the same goes for you on all accounts. I’ll do my best and you do the same okay?
(come off anon? if it’s okay with you :3)

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